We all grew up watching at least one TV show about the perfect family. The list of situation comedies is unlimited, starting with The Donna Reed Show, Father Knows Best, The Brady Bunch, The Crosby Show and many more. The common theme in all of these fictional families is that at the end of the show the siblings made up and were always there for each other. Does this happen in real life? Probably not.
Recently, a group of girlfriends got together and the subject of siblings came up. How many times did our parents hear the eternal yell, he/she hit me or she’s wearing my new sweater. It’s normal for most children to argue until they are well into adulthood (and even then, some siblings still don’t get along). Several commented that they have seen the childhood rivalry start again as their parent’s age. Often problems begin when one sibling is the caregiver mainly because they live in the same town as their parent(s). The care giver feels that they are doing more than are their siblings. My sister and I went through this when my mother was ill four years ago and we are now experiencing the same emotions with my aging father. It’s funny how history continues to repeat itself among siblings.
‘With about 20 million Americans providing care for a parent or in-law, such family dramas — often with financial questions lurking unsaid — are playing out across the country,’ said Bonnie Lawrence, spokeswoman for the Family Caregiver Alliance.
How can you work these problems out?
Communicate, Communicate, Communicate with your brothers and sisters according to the Family Caregiver Alliance. Other tips include:
- Express how you feel: This requires honesty and openness. Let your sibling know that his or her help is needed and wanted.
- Be realistic in your expectations: This applies to the relationship with your sibling and your parent.
- Divide the tasks: One may take responsibility for the “hands-on” care; the other may assume responsibility for finances, legal issues and all paperwork.
- Respect each other’s opinions: Find areas for compromise.
- Arrange for respite care: The “hands-on” sibling may need a break.
- Have a family meeting: Consider inviting an outside facilitator such as a social worker, religious leader, counselor or friend. Everyone’s voice needs to be heard.
After doing my research on siblings and aging parents I hope that my sister and I will be able to use the points above so that history doesn’t repeat itself again. So, how about you…How are you and your siblings working out the aging parent care?
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You are so right with your comments. Taking care of an aging parent always falls on one sibling. The rest of the family feels like you’re imposing on them when you ask for even a little help. I just don’t understand how some people have such a short memory and ignore all of the wonderful things our parents did for us when we needed them. For me, it’s a pleasure having the opportunity to help my mother.